The (new) White Man’s Burden

This is a satire article, originally written at the beginning of the arab spring (February 2011), but not posted. This is merely an archived copy.

David Cameron has decided to become a ‘candid friend’ of Egypt after Hosni Mubarak was ousted from the country. As the first world leader to visit Egypt, Cameron has Britain’s true interests at heart, as he attempts to make trade links with the fledgling country.

His five-hour stopover, “hastily” added to his long-planned Middle East tour, shows his benevolent desire to help with Egypt’s brand new peace process. In a statement issued en route to Cairo, Cameron stated: “It is important going to Egypt first,” he said. “This is a moment of great opportunity for Egypt. It is a great opportunity for us to go and talk to those currently running Egypt to make sure this really is a genuine transition from military rule to civilian law and to see what countries like Britain and others in Europe can do to help.

“The white man’s burden has befallen the British once again. The Islamic extremists are not taking control of the country, but the people, not that there’s much of a difference. We, as a civilised and developed country, have the expertise to help those who need to learn what true democracy is. Under the patronage of our empire, ahem, country, many states have been able to set up new democratic countries.”

Cameron is attempting to further British commercial interests with one of the fastest-growing and most oil-rich areas of the world.

Downing Street worries about the implications of this new peace process: “A democratic system that does not mirror our own is clearly not possible. We must ensure that the new Egyptian government continues to match our interests as is necessary to continue the Westernification of the Middle East.

“The war on terror continues. We must address security issues in the Middle East, which threaten both Britain and its people. We are not focused entirely on making money from the region, but also want to exert our own political motives, in the hope of creating a large puppet state from which we can control all of the Middle East.

“As you can clearly see, we revoked the arms export licenses to Bahrain and Libya. This shows that we are truly invested in freedom for the people of these countries, just as long as they fall in line with the freedom we give to our people.”

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